Healing Hearts
by Kimmimaru
Summary: Sometimes the agony of losing the one we love most can be unbearable, sometimes we can never recover from having our hearts shattered. (Emotional one-shot surrounding Sirius and Remus.)


_AN: A little one-shot expressing the pain of losing a loved one. I hope you enjoy and I hope it makes you feel something. :) Any reviews are welcome and enjoyed, thank you._

**Healing Hearts**

The darkness is oppressive, it fills every corner of the heart and weighs heavily upon the soul. The time spent in sunshine is passed and now there is nothing. The gloom of depression is seeping from the walls, walls that had known laughter once, a long time ago. How long has it been since you laughed?

The dreams plague your every sleeping moment, every night when you close your eyes you have to watch him fall and every time you are consumed by agony. How much longer can you take this? Will you ever learn to live with the memories of his smile?

You lie awake in the dark and remember those times, the times you spent beneath the tree by the lake at Hogwarts. Every night you smile at those sweet memories before the reality of your situation crashes in upon you and smothers all joy. Depression surrounds you like a choking shroud, guilt and pain weigh your every step. You ask yourself why you continue to step forward. Why do you continue fighting when all that you desired to protect has been taken from you?

In the darkness he whispers, his voice soft and enticing as you open your eyes and reach out for the man who had so often shared your bed. You hear him breathing, you feel his breath against your cold skin and you can feel his heat, but when you reach, when your fingers find only the cold side of the bed it all comes back. You see it all flash before your eyes, you see him fall, you see him leaving you for the last time.

First it was James, the man who had become your saving grace when you were but a child. He had been torn from your grasping fingers in a flash of green light. Then you lived through the agony of betrayal. You walked surrounded by the knowledge that your best friend, your lover of many years had destroyed everything. And then he returned, he returned and brought joy back into your life. You re-grew the love you had once felt for each other, you mended old wounds and began to allow yourself to love once again. But then, only a month ago, it was ripped from you. All your hopes and dreams, all your passion, destroyed in a split second. And now there is only the darkness to comfort your broken heart. Only the gaping wound left by those you loved more fiercely than your own family.

The war has left you scarred and empty. It has left you a shadow of your former self and sometimes you find yourself wishing that you could take everything back, that you could have reached behind that veil and torn your lover back from Deaths cold embrace. You wish ever more frequently that you could join him. You see them in your mind sometimes, gathered around the fireplace and laughing happily. You see them looking as you remember them; James with his slightly wonky glasses and infuriatingly messy hair, Lily with her kind smile and _him_, your lover, your friend, your shield against the agony of your life. His handsome face lights up when he spots you, he stands and pulls you close, his lips brush your ear as he whispers…

_I will always love you._

And his voice, it gives you strength. It reminds you why you continue to exist. It gives you a reason to open your eyes and climb out of bed each morning.

The memory of his smile, the memory of his lips haunt you. They send pain into your heart, they threaten to make you cold and dead inside. You tell yourself that you will never love again, you tell yourself that with his death you will never smile again. What joy is there to this lonely life you are condemned to? What is the point of your continued existence? And then you hear him laughing. That sharp, bark-like noise that always made you smile, even if you were trying to be grumpy. You remember the way he had of always cheering you up, even in your darkest moments. You remember those cold winter nights, closed off from the wind by red curtains. You remember his hands gripping you tightly, you remember his heart beat against your own and with those memories you can sleep easily.

_It's ok, Moony, I'm here…_

His voice, slightly husky from sleep, fills your mind. You close your eyes and let yourself remember his embrace. You lie on your bed surrounded by cold sheets, you let yourself be absorbed in memories of his love and affection. You see his face in your mind, you feel his lips against your eye lids.

_Go to sleep, you don't have the nightmares when I'm around, do you?_

No. No more nightmares. When you were curled up in his embrace you slept soundly and did not dream of the blood spattered pavement. When you were with him you forgot about those amber eyes, filled with hunger. When in his arms you could smile. You could be yourself completely and never have any fear of harsh judgement or cruelty. You had known and understood each other from the moment you had met at age eleven. In those twin pools of molten silver you saw yourself reflected back at you, you saw a darkness that surrounded your own soul and you knew that he was someone who understood. You gave him everything you were, knowing that he would keep it safe, he would never break you.

_Remus? Stay with me tonight…I-I can't face the dark alone…_

You were the only person he ever allowed beyond his walls, only you ever saw him crumble. You were his rock. You held him when he was insane with despair. You let him scream, you let him cry on your shoulder as he re-lived his worst moments in Azkaban. You let him grip you tightly as desperation caught him in its claws, you let him lose himself and brought him back again with soft kisses and gentle words. You gave him something to cling to as memories of the dark pits of his thirteen year prison took him. You gave him a life line, just as he had once been yours. There were no longer any secrets between you, you had both learnt that cruel lesson. You gave each other love and light and pulled each other back from the brink.

_I can still hear her screams in my head, Moony…I can still feel their hatred._

You understood hate. You understood anger. You let him rage and shout, you let him hit walls and break furniture. You allowed him his moments of rage and terror before going to his side and kissing his face, kissing every part of him you could reach. You let him melt into your arms and you supported him as guilt came to torment his shattered soul. You let him drag you to the floor and talk about finding James and Lily's bodies. You let him scream his hatred for Peter. You forced him to look into your eyes, you told him that it wasn't his fault. You never let him place the blame where it didn't belong. When the walls of his prison became too much you took him to bed, you seduced him with tenderness and kindness. You let him know that no matter what had happened in that musty old house that you had always loved him. You show him the undying proof of your words.

_Remus, stop being ridiculous. None of this is your fault, I got myself into this state and with your help…maybe I can get myself out again._

He gave you someone to lean on, someone to share your darkest secrets. You spoke to him in the darkness of the bedroom as he cradled your head against his chest. Together you could laugh again, together you could heal each other. It took tiny baby steps, little actions of gentleness and a loving kindness neither of you were really used to. Slowly, step by step, you could learn to live again. All it took was a smile, an embrace, a tender kiss. The tragedies of the past were mere memories when you lay together in a sweaty tangle of limbs, when you felt his harsh breath against your throat you could share the burdens placed upon your shoulders.

Sometimes, as you walk through the house you might hear a whisper, a gentle caress that makes your heart leap. You spin around hoping and wishing only to find emptiness where you had wanted to see a smile.

You sit in an arm chair and wish for the thousandth time that you could have a second chance, all you want is to see him one last time. It's painful. It's an agony you have never felt before, it's the knowledge that he will never laugh, never cry, never scream and never speak again. It's the pain of knowing that he's gone and in his place is a void, an emptiness of the soul that he left behind. Will there be any relief? Will it get better? Only time will tell. You know that perhaps he is close, sometimes you catch a wiff of his cologne, sometimes you hear his footsteps on the path outside your door. Sometimes you see a glimpse of him out the corner of your eye and you feel loved once again. Perhaps it is the desire to see, to feel him once again that causes these hallucinations, perhaps it is an overactive imagination…but you don't want it to stop.

_I'm so tired, Remus. My body feels…old…I…I don't know how much longer I can keep going._

You remember those days, when the wind was howling and the cold seemed to soak through the very walls. You remember bringing him a cup of tea, you see him standing before the mirror and gazing at his tattered reflection. The distorted image looking as if he had died already. You see the darkness in his eyes, a darkness born of a thirteen year long nightmare. You go to him, you wrap him in your arms and hold him close. No words were spoken on those nights. No words were ever needed.

The depression surrounding him was like a dark cloud, it twisted him, it made him dark and angry. He lashed out at you, tried to drive you away, but you held firm. You had him back after years of terrible doubt and guilt, you had him back and you were damned if you were to ever let him go again. You needed him, you needed him as much as he needed you. You balanced each other's pain and eased the burdens of childhoods fraught with pain. Together you were whole.

_I have to go! Don't try to stop me, Remus or I'll curse you! Harry needs my help…don't hold me back…Please…_

You couldn't deny him. Could you ever really say no to him? What choice was there but to let him run out his prison and go to rescue his Godson? No one could have stopped him. But logic doesn't fare well in the mind of a human, you still blame yourself. You still sit before your fire place and wonder what you could have done to change things. You still torture yourself with all those false promises. You still find yourself curled up in your chair with your head in your hands as you try to will Time to turn back. You try to wish him back into existence because you can't live without him. You can't live on knowing that you can never hold him again. Are you selfish? Are you being cruel? Are you holding onto a mere memory to comfort your own aching heart? Did he, perhaps, _wish_ to die? You push that thought aside, knowing deep down that it is true. You remember that darkness, you remember his desperate cries as he suffered nightmare after nightmare. You feel guilt that you were ultimately unable to heal his suffering. You feel a deep seated ache in your chest, it suffocates you until you are driven to open that bottle of whiskey sitting on your counter. You try to move on but you can't. You're numb. You're exhausted. Your transformations are nauseating, you wake up each morning in more agony than you ever have before. The wolf tears, he howls, he screams your pain to the moon. You are blinded by loneliness, you can feel yourself shrivelling and dying inside. How much longer can you go on? How much longer can you live without him in your life?

_It's ok, Moons…I promise, everything is going to be ok. I'll never leave you, not really._

Little more than two years later and you realise that it is not a lie. A flash of green. A cry. Then…nothing…

A blissful feeling of being surrounded by love wakes you, you open your eyes and gaze up at a sky full of sunshine. You sit upright, confused and disorientated. As you look at your surroundings you can see an image of your childhood, before you is Hogwarts as it was when you were at school. No Voldemort. No fighting. No blood or pain. You see bright sunshine sparkling off of the lake, the distant sounds of laughter and the feeling that someone is watching you. You stand up on shaking legs and turn your head. And there, standing before you as if none of the past had happened, is Him. He smiles and it is as if time was a figment of your imagination, as he reaches for you, you find yourself returning his expression. You let joy overflow, you let it buoy you up until you want to laugh and cry all at the same time…and you know, with an abrupt certainty, that you are finally, finally home.


End file.
